I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
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