Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
