maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
