You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Send help, water and tortillas.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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