I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
