party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
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Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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