Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
