Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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