I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
