I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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