i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian