so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.