took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
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She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong