I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.