the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"