Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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