i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
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You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage