So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.