you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
