your parents love me but you hate me
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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