Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
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yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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