Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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