I want to make a zoo with you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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