mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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