I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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