you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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