Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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