he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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