People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
