I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.