I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.