not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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