Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.