I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
