Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
