did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
