I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
