I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
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Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.