Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.