I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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