Sry I called you an 8
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.