he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
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