She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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