and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
