well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
