Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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