Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
