$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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