so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
