i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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