i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We have started to decorate penises.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
