On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
