i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
