There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
