i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
