Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
