You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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