just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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